Has someone ever told you God answers you?

For a lot of days now I have been giving myself heartaches. Honestly, I am so longing home. I have gone over Yzzy’s pictures for the most number of times than anyone could ever have. And it pains me to just go all through them knowing she’s growing up too fast without me. If you are reading this, and you think this is just nothing - all blabber. Please, spare me from another heartache. You’ll eventually feel how I feel if you ever come across my shoes.

It was an easy plan. Make way for my family (I mean Tabby and Yzzy) to be here. As simple as it is - the worse it gets everyday. Each day is dragging me. It could have been easier if I could have had friends to talk to, and the like. But sanity as it is, I’m locked (not literally) in a house with nothing but the world wide web to hear me. Yes, there were days of smiles, happiness.. seemingly happy moments. But they never stood for long. Its always back to reality. Back to the same day e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y. Having  a job too can be a solution - but there seems to be none as we speak. Maybe its just a matter of time. Yes, could be. But what tears me down the most in this unending wait is the fact that I want space. I know it is too selfish of me to ask, or better yet demand. But I do need some space of zen, peace, and quite atmosphere where I can positively channel my energy into something useful and beneficial. Not a nagging person who nags about her frustrations as well. I HAVE BEEN LISTENING. Days on end. And when can it end? I can’t stand listening anymore. I’m tired of it when you don’t even take my word for it. I feel like you are ruining my life more - emotionally, psychologically. Please, just shut up.

I have been all over my emotions lately. Too stubborn. I think I have done following what they want me to do. I want to have my own life. I did came here for that. To bring back my past that was never there. To make them a reality. To have a Dad and a Mom, siblings, in a place we can all call home. Is it not supposedly what this is all about? I can’t imagine its all just going down the drain. Why can’t mature people act mature? Why?

I want to go home. I said. And my parent goes furious about it. For once in my life I said something I really meant. Something I would want to stand for. Whether it is the right thing to do or not. The fact still remains that I will make it a point to be the right thing.  Parents can never understand their kids. I do wish I can be a better parent to Yzzy…

I’m seriously asking for signs. Asking for prayers to be answered. Asking for God’s grace to guide me now. I need it most.

I’m so torn between two big, big boulders - not rocks.

I just want to make you understand, Dad. That I want to think over things. All I’m asking is a year, at most. To think well enough, and decide thereon. The Philippines can be - as you say, not the best place to be. But I’d rather spend my life there being happy than stay here otherwise. I’m a big girl now, I told you. If you’re worrying too much, please don’t.  Its my turn now to decide whether you agree or not. I know I have dismayed you and all you want is the better. But I cannot handle the frustration you and Mom are giving to me too. It’s just not right.

“everything happens for a reason… and everything works for good for those who love God and are called according to his purpose…”

I have had my share of shoulders to cry on. And all I have really gasped is HOLD ON. No matter how hard this is for me right now, I am doing so. I just hope answers would be soon. I pray it will be soon.

“if you do not exercise intervention, then its just tantamount to making a decision not to do anything at all…”

I know a lot of those dear to me who are reading my blog have been so worried about me. Thank you so much for the support, the prayers, the thoughts that you all have left me. I do need to pray more, harder - before making this decision. Its even harder knowing my decisions affect the life of my own family later on.

“Let God…Let God…”

I just want to be carried in God’s loving arms. And let Him guide my way. He will always know what is best above all.

I want to find myself with you again. Maybe it was after all, meant for me to find you.

Prayers..Prayers..Prayers……