January 25, 2011

The inevitable day. I was hoping I had a few more days, just a few more to savor each and every moment. I could not help but feel every part of me just holding on to that moment of complete solitude - the feeling of wrapping my arms around Yzzy as she hugged back and caressed by hair. I have been telling her for a few days now that “Mommy will walk airplane” just coz that’s how she manages to understand that I would go. And she gives me this big frown and a big “NO. No.” Saying it twice for her breaks my heart every time. Its sort of fighting inside her that she wants me to stay yet she can’t. The agony I bet is something only I would feel - its depth, its crushing movement through my veins, its weight on my chest, and its pierce on my heart.

Its been four months and ten days to be exact. And this is the last picture I had with Yzzy before I left. I made the decision of not bringing her with us to Manila. I was somehow stopping myself from the thought of not really going. Not leaving Yzzy. But I really needed to go. I wish I did not cry and made her feel sad. I wish I was strong enough to face her smiling. But I guess feelings meant more than words that time.

And it all seems so far and past. This time, though I keep on denying its coming, is not as bad as the first. Maybe my deep long prayers of strength and peace of mind and heart has somehow reached heaven. I hope to finally hug Yzzy again soon.

Tabby and I managed to book ourselves one whole day ahead of my international flight. I know both of us had our ways of beginning to cope up… ways of managing how we ought to feel as to not to flood ourselves with emotions. As for me, I was probably crying most of the time. I just could not help but feel sad once again to leave his side and sacrifice distance once more. We tried to keep ourselves busy painting the town red yet holding hands as if it were our last. I guess when you love someone that much its really a tough job to leave and be left - even for a short time.

Traffic got in the way and what we thought would be a smooth sailing plan went a bit of board. I arrived at the airport when the lines were thrice as I expected. Took me an hour to check in and pay some other stuffs. Crying inside was probably what I was doing the whole time since I wasn’t really paying attention to anything at all. Just moving where officers tell me to go. All I wanted was to head to the Exit and see Tabby again. And again. And again. Yes, I went out that much times with tears trying to break out from my eyes. It seemed no one was watching though I know there were a lot crying too and those hoping they could see their loved ones once more. What was once on my reach is now a memory I will always be looking back to. And an inspiration I will be sacrificing for. That’s probably the hard lesson I am about to learn - Delaying Gratification. I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs and I keep on convincing myself that better days are yet to come. Tabby always tells me that this time we should be stronger. We’ve gone through our first year somehow not that good but being faced with a new challenge, we’re trying to make it as easy and as light to the heart. It will be the last.

Departure soon came and I was just holding on to fresh thoughts of what just happened a few hours ago.

Dinner date at Congo Grille. Savoring the taste of Filipino food!

The lunch date at Resorts World.

See you later, Sweetest. No goodbye’s for us.

And as for Yzzy, I bet she’s stronger than me. I know I broke her heart again as I left as she tried to struggle to get into my luggage and cry face flat on the floor. Maybe one day you’ll get through this Yzzy. Mommy loves you. And as much as I want to bring you with me, the laws would just not allow just yet. Just yet. But the wait is almost over. I know God is not deaf to what our hearts feel deep down. I know the heavens will always see us through. I just pray you will continue to love me as I love you. I will always try to be online to spend as much time as work would allow. Nothing compares to you and Daddy. You two will always be loved.